Family.Guy.S01E01.Death.Has.a.Shadow.INTERNAL.DVDRip.XviD-SChiZO.eng.srt

1
00:00:06,973 --> 00:00:09,942
Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes
in Greg's jacket.

2
00:00:10,043 --> 00:00:12,273
- Greg, were you smoking cigarettes?
- No, Dad.

3
00:00:12,379 --> 00:00:14,279
He's lying. There's no doubt about that.

4
00:00:14,381 --> 00:00:17,748
Greg, I'm afraid your punishment
will be four hours in the snakepit.

5
00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:20,081
That'll give you time to think about
what you did.

6
00:00:20,186 --> 00:00:21,380
Man!

7
00:00:22,088 --> 00:00:23,055
That'll teach him.

8
00:00:23,156 --> 00:00:25,886
Jan, I'm afraid you've earned
a day in the fire chamber...

9
00:00:25,992 --> 00:00:27,653
...for tattling on your brother.

10
00:00:29,095 --> 00:00:32,360
Smoking. How does
a boy like that go so wrong?

11
00:00:32,465 --> 00:00:34,626
- They live in a crummy neighborhood.
- The Bradys?

12
00:00:34,734 --> 00:00:37,965
Yeah. They got robbers, thugs,
drug dealers. You name it.

13
00:00:38,071 --> 00:00:39,538
You folks want some pancakes?

14
00:00:39,639 --> 00:00:43,075
No, thanks. See, that's the worst
we got is Jemima's Witnesses.

15
00:00:43,810 --> 00:00:46,802
"It seems today that all you see

16
00:00:47,147 --> 00:00:50,378
"is violence in movies and sex on TV

17
00:00:50,483 --> 00:00:53,884
"But where are those good,
old-fashioned values

18
00:00:53,987 --> 00:00:56,547
"on which we used to rely?

19
00:00:57,323 --> 00:01:00,292
"Lucky there's a family guy

20
00:01:00,393 --> 00:01:03,521
"Lucky there's a man who'll
positively tell you

21
00:01:03,630 --> 00:01:05,359
"all the things that make us

22
00:01:05,465 --> 00:01:06,955
"laugh 'n' cry

23
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:11,731
"He's a family guy"

24
00:01:17,410 --> 00:01:20,641
Mom, my lips are too thin.
Can I please get collagen injections?

25
00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:23,215
Meg, you don't need to change
the way you look.

26
00:01:23,316 --> 00:01:26,717
You know, most of the world's problems
stem from poor self-image.

27
00:01:36,229 --> 00:01:39,221
Excellent! The mind-control device
is nearing completion!

28
00:01:39,332 --> 00:01:41,630
Stewie, I said no toys at the table.

29
00:01:41,734 --> 00:01:42,928
Damn you, vile woman!

30
00:01:43,036 --> 00:01:46,403
You've impeded my work since the day
I escaped from your wretched womb.

31
00:01:46,506 --> 00:01:49,566
Don't pout, honey. When you were born...

32
00:01:49,676 --> 00:01:53,237
...the doctor said you were
the happiest looking baby he'd ever seen.

33
00:01:53,346 --> 00:01:57,442
But, of course. That was my victory day.
The fruition of my deeply-laid plans...

34
00:01:57,550 --> 00:02:01,748
...to escape from that cursed ovarian
bastille! Return the device, woman!

35
00:02:01,855 --> 00:02:03,379
No toys, Stewie.

36
00:02:03,490 --> 00:02:04,457
Very well, then.

37
00:02:04,557 --> 00:02:08,493
Mark my words, when you least expect it,
your uppance will come!

38
00:02:10,563 --> 00:02:11,928
Mom, can I turn the heat up?

39
00:02:12,031 --> 00:02:15,091
Don't touch the thermostat, Meg.
Your father gets upset.

40
00:02:15,201 --> 00:02:17,192
Come on. This thing goes up to 90.

41
00:02:17,303 --> 00:02:18,235
Who touched the thermostat?

42
00:02:18,338 --> 00:02:19,896
God, how does he always know?

43
00:02:20,006 --> 00:02:22,201
Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one.

44
00:02:22,308 --> 00:02:24,208
Tells you when the kids mess with the dial.

45
00:02:24,310 --> 00:02:26,278
My thing went off!
Your thermostat okay?

46
00:02:26,379 --> 00:02:28,279
- Yeah, it's all right.
- Is my kid over here?

47
00:02:28,381 --> 00:02:29,439
Forget it! False alarm!

48
00:02:30,116 --> 00:02:31,777
Ass ahoy.

49
00:02:31,885 --> 00:02:35,377
Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got
your pants on. What's the occasion?

50
00:02:35,488 --> 00:02:37,046
He's going to a stag party.

51
00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:39,819
Lois, I work hard all week
to provide for this family.

52
00:02:39,926 --> 00:02:41,154
I am the man of the house.

53
00:02:41,261 --> 00:02:44,458
As the man, I order you
to give me permission to go to this party.

54
00:02:44,564 --> 00:02:48,193
Look, at least promise me you won't drink.
Alcohol always leads to trouble.

55
00:02:48,601 --> 00:02:50,330
Come on. You're worrying about nothing.

56
00:02:50,503 --> 00:02:54,166
Remember when you got drunk
off the Communion wine at church?

57
00:02:54,607 --> 00:02:57,576
And so the Lord God smote poor Job...

58
00:02:57,710 --> 00:03:00,042
...with festering boils all over his body.

59
00:03:00,146 --> 00:03:02,307
Man, I hate it when he tells this story.

60
00:03:02,448 --> 00:03:06,612
Yet, miraculously,
Job was still able to retain his dignity.

61
00:03:06,719 --> 00:03:10,052
- Is that really the blood of Christ?
- Yes.

62
00:03:10,290 --> 00:03:13,282
Man, that guy must've been wasted
24 hours a day.

63
00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:16,656
And then there was that time
at the ice cream store.

64
00:03:17,096 --> 00:03:19,394
Butter Rum's my favorite.

65
00:03:21,501 --> 00:03:24,732
Remember you had an Irish coffee
the day we went to see Philadelphia?

66
00:03:30,543 --> 00:03:34,104
I got it. That's the guy from Big.
Tom Hanks, that's it.

67
00:03:34,347 --> 00:03:37,282
Funny guy, Tom Hanks.
Everything he says is a stitch.

68
00:03:37,383 --> 00:03:38,645
I have AIDS.

69
00:03:40,486 --> 00:03:42,784
- Promise me, Peter.
- Lois, honey, I promise.

70
00:03:42,889 --> 00:03:45,722
Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch
these lips tonight.

71
00:03:45,825 --> 00:03:47,725
Who wants to play Drink The Beer?

72
00:03:47,827 --> 00:03:49,226
Right here.

73
00:03:49,329 --> 00:03:50,921
- You win.
- All right. What do I win?

74
00:03:51,030 --> 00:03:52,088
Another beer!

75
00:03:52,198 --> 00:03:53,756
I'm going for the high score!

76
00:03:53,866 --> 00:03:56,096
Actually, Charlie's got the high score.

77
00:03:56,202 --> 00:03:58,067
Man. Your clock won't flush.

78
00:03:59,172 --> 00:04:02,164
I feel kind of bad, guys.
I promised my wife I wouldn't drink.

79
00:04:02,275 --> 00:04:05,176
- Don't feel bad, Peter.
- Gee. I never thought of it like that.

80
00:04:05,411 --> 00:04:06,639
Did you bring the porno?

81
00:04:06,746 --> 00:04:10,375
Did I bring the porno?
You're gonna love it. It's a classic.

82
00:04:11,017 --> 00:04:12,917
Listen, Ilsa. If I take this thing out...

83
00:04:13,019 --> 00:04:16,011
...and you're not on it, you'll regret it.
Not today or tomorrow.

84
00:04:16,122 --> 00:04:18,090
But soon, and for the rest of your life.

85
00:04:18,191 --> 00:04:19,852
Come on, llsa! Get on it!

86
00:04:23,129 --> 00:04:25,324
The statue was a gift from France.

87
00:04:25,431 --> 00:04:26,591
What is this?

88
00:04:26,699 --> 00:04:29,497
Man. My kid must've taped
over this for history class.

89
00:04:30,770 --> 00:04:33,295
The Statue of Liberty?
What are we gonna do?

90
00:04:33,406 --> 00:04:37,740
- Boys, we're gonna drink till she's hot.
- That's just crazy enough to work.

91
00:04:43,449 --> 00:04:45,076
Meg, finish your pancakes.

92
00:04:45,184 --> 00:04:47,914
- Chris, elbows off your father.
- Thanks, son.

93
00:04:48,021 --> 00:04:51,787
37 beers. You're setting
a great example for the kids, Peter.

94
00:04:51,891 --> 00:04:55,019
Yeah. A new family record.
Way to raise the bar, Dad.

95
00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:57,119
Chris, you're 13. Don't talk like that.

96
00:04:57,230 --> 00:04:59,790
Kids, Daddy only drank
so the Statue of Liberty...

97
00:04:59,899 --> 00:05:01,298
...would take her clothes off.

98
00:05:01,401 --> 00:05:04,893
- What did you promise me last night?
- I wouldn't drink at the stag party.

99
00:05:05,004 --> 00:05:07,871
- And what did you do?
- Drank at the stag...

100
00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:11,034
I almost walked right into that one. God!

101
00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:14,204
Feels like accountants
are cranking adding machines in my head.

102
00:05:18,685 --> 00:05:21,552
Dick, you ever wonder
what's outside those walls?

103
00:05:21,654 --> 00:05:24,623
That's dangerous thinking, Paul.
You best stick to your work.

104
00:05:24,724 --> 00:05:25,691
Okay.

105
00:05:26,426 --> 00:05:30,487
You see? A hangover is nature's way
of telling you I was right. I mean...

106
00:05:30,596 --> 00:05:32,461
Mom, are you all right?

107
00:05:32,565 --> 00:05:36,262
My goodness.
This chair leg was loose. Isn't that silly?

108
00:05:36,369 --> 00:05:38,360
I could've broken my neck.

109
00:05:38,538 --> 00:05:39,596
Damn!

110
00:05:41,207 --> 00:05:43,641
Honey. I took a cab home,
I slept on the table...

111
00:05:43,743 --> 00:05:46,041
...so I wouldn't wake you up.
Nothing bad happened.

112
00:05:46,145 --> 00:05:47,976
I guess you're right.

113
00:05:48,081 --> 00:05:50,743
Apology accepted.
All right, I'm going to work.

114
00:05:50,850 --> 00:05:52,613
Somebody's gotta put food on this table.

115
00:05:56,289 --> 00:05:57,620
How are you coming, Johnson?

116
00:05:57,724 --> 00:06:00,056
Mr. Weed, I've been working
on the new G.I. Jew line.

117
00:06:00,159 --> 00:06:02,320
And as you can see, they look great.

118
00:06:02,428 --> 00:06:03,452
You call these bagels?

119
00:06:03,563 --> 00:06:05,861
I'm glad he's on our side!

120
00:06:08,267 --> 00:06:09,359
Peter!
What?

121
00:06:09,469 --> 00:06:10,663
Are you sleeping on the job?

122
00:06:10,770 --> 00:06:13,933
No. There's a bug in my eye
and I'm trying to suffocate him.

123
00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:17,874
Peter, I like you. But I need you to be
more than just eye candy around here.

124
00:06:17,977 --> 00:06:21,105
It's your job to watch for toys
that could be hazardous to kids.

125
00:06:21,214 --> 00:06:23,444
- Now, look sharp!
- Yes, sir!

126
00:06:35,294 --> 00:06:39,958
And now back to Action News 5.
Our top story tonight, "When Toys Attack. "

127
00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:41,693
Quite a situation we've got here, Tom.

128
00:06:41,801 --> 00:06:44,167
Quite a situation we've got here, Tom,
indeed, Diane.

129
00:06:44,270 --> 00:06:47,171
The Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Company
of Quahog, Rhode Island...

130
00:06:47,273 --> 00:06:50,333
...has released highly unsafe
products into the retail market.

131
00:06:50,710 --> 00:06:52,803
Come on, Timmy! Throw the Silly Ball!

132
00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:56,705
Boy! A Pound Poochie!

133
00:06:57,917 --> 00:07:00,408
Come on, Baby Heimlich, spit it out.

134
00:07:03,089 --> 00:07:04,181
Peter, I'm appalled.

135
00:07:04,290 --> 00:07:07,123
Your negligence has damaged
this company's reputation.

136
00:07:07,226 --> 00:07:08,215
You're fired!

137
00:07:08,327 --> 00:07:09,521
Jeez. For how long?

138
00:07:12,098 --> 00:07:13,588
My God! You got fired?

139
00:07:13,699 --> 00:07:17,328
- Way to go, Dad! Fight the machine!
- How do you know about the machine?

140
00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:20,167
Don't worry.
I'll still put food on this table.

141
00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:22,833
Just not as much.
So it might get a little competitive.

142
00:07:22,942 --> 00:07:27,470
Who cares about food? Now we'll never
be able to afford my lip injections!

143
00:07:27,613 --> 00:07:29,979
Can we put her
out in the yard for a while?

144
00:07:30,082 --> 00:07:32,073
Okay, who's hungry?

145
00:07:32,552 --> 00:07:34,884
Jeez. How the hell
am I gonna break this to Lois?

146
00:07:34,987 --> 00:07:38,514
If she finds out I got fired for drinking,
she's gonna blame me!

147
00:07:38,624 --> 00:07:42,082
Lie to her. It's okay to lie
to women. They're not people like us.

148
00:07:42,195 --> 00:07:44,686
I don't know. Hey, where's the other guy?

149
00:07:45,932 --> 00:07:48,560
Come on, you bastard! I'm late for work.

150
00:07:48,668 --> 00:07:49,794
This is perfect!

151
00:07:50,369 --> 00:07:52,599
Look, I don't want your mom to worry,
all right?

152
00:07:52,705 --> 00:07:55,105
When she worries, she says,
"I told you so" and:

153
00:07:55,208 --> 00:07:59,110
"Stop doing that. I'm asleep. "
So I'm just gonna tell a little lie, okay?

154
00:07:59,212 --> 00:08:01,544
Not a word to your mom
about me getting canned.

155
00:08:01,647 --> 00:08:03,046
What's that, Peter?

156
00:08:03,149 --> 00:08:06,141
- Nothing. The lost-my-job smells great.
- What?

157
00:08:06,252 --> 00:08:09,244
Meg, honey, can you pass
the fired-my-ass-for-negligence?

158
00:08:09,355 --> 00:08:11,016
Peter, are you feeling okay?

159
00:08:11,123 --> 00:08:13,785
I feel great!
I haven't got a job in the world.

160
00:08:13,893 --> 00:08:15,520
All right, then let's eat.

161
00:08:15,628 --> 00:08:18,324
I know you all hate eggplant, but...

162
00:08:19,465 --> 00:08:21,330
What on earth was that?

163
00:08:23,803 --> 00:08:26,499
What the deuce are you staring at?
It's tuna fish...

164
00:08:26,906 --> 00:08:27,998
...and nothing else.

165
00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:33,878
How's your job search going?

166
00:08:33,980 --> 00:08:37,245
It sucks, Brian. I've already
been through two jobs this week.

167
00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:38,874
I got fired off of that commercial.

168
00:08:38,985 --> 00:08:41,647
Try it again.
"I'm caca for Cocoa Puffs. "

169
00:08:41,754 --> 00:08:43,483
No, damn it! Take 26!

170
00:08:43,956 --> 00:08:47,357
Then I had that job as the sneeze guard
for that restaurant's salad bar.

171
00:08:50,029 --> 00:08:51,189
Take it outside, lady.

172
00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:53,624
I thought I could win money
in that talent show.

173
00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:57,436
And the prize goes
to The von Trapp Family Singers!

174
00:08:57,737 --> 00:08:58,829
That is bull...

175
00:09:01,307 --> 00:09:03,172
Peter, I know it's a dangerous precedent...

176
00:09:03,276 --> 00:09:05,506
...but you might want to tell Lois the truth.

177
00:09:05,611 --> 00:09:08,739
What? That I can't provide for my family?
That she's always right?

178
00:09:08,848 --> 00:09:11,282
That I didn't stand up to a tank
in Tiananmen Square?

179
00:09:15,855 --> 00:09:18,756
Screw this!
I just came over to buy some fireworks!

180
00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:21,590
You can't keep lying to her
about losing your job.

181
00:09:21,694 --> 00:09:24,322
Eventually, she'll find out
where you're going every day.

182
00:09:24,430 --> 00:09:25,362
Yeah.

183
00:09:28,601 --> 00:09:31,161
Yeah, you're right.
Okay, I'll tell her tonight.

184
00:09:47,954 --> 00:09:49,444
Victory is mine!

185
00:09:49,855 --> 00:09:51,789
I'll need the checkbook
in the morning.

186
00:09:51,891 --> 00:09:53,916
I'm going to Stop 'N Shop
for some sweet corn.

187
00:09:54,026 --> 00:09:55,687
You're spending money on food again?

188
00:09:55,795 --> 00:09:57,422
Lois, we just had dinner.

189
00:09:57,530 --> 00:10:01,660
I enjoyed it so much,
I thought we'd eat again tomorrow.

190
00:10:01,767 --> 00:10:04,361
Since when are you so concerned
about our food budget?

191
00:10:04,470 --> 00:10:05,664
I just...

192
00:10:05,771 --> 00:10:08,934
Lois, this is really hard for me to say, but...

193
00:10:09,041 --> 00:10:10,838
What is it, Peter?

194
00:10:11,978 --> 00:10:14,105
- You're getting kind of fat.
- What?

195
00:10:14,213 --> 00:10:16,477
It's just... It's not healthy.

196
00:10:16,582 --> 00:10:19,881
Peter, I do my Jane Fonda workout tape
three times a week.

197
00:10:19,986 --> 00:10:21,851
When was the last time you saw your toes?

198
00:10:21,954 --> 00:10:24,445
I thought you people were
supposed to be jolly.

199
00:10:24,557 --> 00:10:26,855
Peter, what the hell is the matter with you?

200
00:10:26,959 --> 00:10:30,053
Honey, if there's something wrong,
you can tell me.

201
00:10:30,196 --> 00:10:34,064
- Sorry, man. Am I late? What did I miss?
- Thank God you're here. What do I do?

202
00:10:34,166 --> 00:10:36,396
Tell him to keep quiet. He's in too deep.

203
00:10:36,502 --> 00:10:38,094
I don't know.

204
00:10:38,437 --> 00:10:39,563
Where's the other guy?

205
00:10:40,873 --> 00:10:42,397
This is unbelievable!

206
00:10:43,442 --> 00:10:46,707
I promise you, everything's fine.
You got nothing to worry about.

207
00:10:46,812 --> 00:10:49,975
Well, well, Mother!
We meet again!

208
00:10:50,082 --> 00:10:52,607
Stewie, I thought
I tucked you in an hour ago.

209
00:10:52,718 --> 00:10:55,846
Not tightly enough it would seem.
And now you contemptible harpy...

210
00:10:55,955 --> 00:10:58,423
...I shall end your reign
of matriarchal tyranny.

211
00:10:58,524 --> 00:11:00,458
You can play tomorrow, honey.

212
00:11:00,559 --> 00:11:02,049
Right now it's bedtime.

213
00:11:02,728 --> 00:11:05,128
Blast you and your estrogenical treachery!

214
00:11:05,231 --> 00:11:06,528
Sweet dreams, kiddo.

215
00:11:06,632 --> 00:11:07,997
You have the power to end this!

216
00:11:11,103 --> 00:11:12,468
How'd she take it?

217
00:11:12,571 --> 00:11:14,436
I told her she was fat.

218
00:11:14,540 --> 00:11:15,802
No.

219
00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:18,306
I hate lying to Lois. It's just...

220
00:11:18,411 --> 00:11:20,504
It's the best way
to keep her from the truth.

221
00:11:20,613 --> 00:11:23,081
You have no choice.
Your unemployment will dry up soon.

222
00:11:23,182 --> 00:11:26,618
She'll probably sense something's amiss
when they repossess your house.

223
00:11:26,719 --> 00:11:28,949
You really oughta think
of your family's welfare.

224
00:11:29,055 --> 00:11:30,522
Jeez, Brian! That's a great idea!

225
00:11:32,725 --> 00:11:36,923
Okay, do you have any disabilities,
past injuries, physical anomalies?

226
00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:40,325
I didn't have gas
for the first time until I was 30.

227
00:11:44,837 --> 00:11:46,702
What the hell was that?

228
00:11:48,274 --> 00:11:51,607
Guys, our money problems
are over! We're officially on welfare.

229
00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:54,145
Come on, help me scatter car parts
on the front lawn.

230
00:11:54,246 --> 00:11:55,406
How much are we getting?

231
00:11:55,514 --> 00:11:57,778
Let's see. $150 a week.

232
00:11:58,284 --> 00:12:00,013
Wait. That's a comma, not a decimal.

233
00:12:02,154 --> 00:12:03,143
Whoops.

234
00:12:03,522 --> 00:12:05,786
No, I haven't seen Peter all afternoon.

235
00:12:05,891 --> 00:12:07,483
I was giving a piano lesson.

236
00:12:08,327 --> 00:12:10,557
Stewie, why don't you play
in the other room?

237
00:12:10,663 --> 00:12:11,994
Why don't you burn in hell?

238
00:12:12,798 --> 00:12:14,459
No dessert for you, young man.

239
00:12:15,034 --> 00:12:17,502
Who would've thought getting drunk
would get me...

240
00:12:17,603 --> 00:12:20,470
...$150,000 a week from the government?

241
00:12:20,606 --> 00:12:21,868
This is why I don't vote.

242
00:12:21,974 --> 00:12:24,238
Maybe somebody down there
was drinking, too.

243
00:12:24,677 --> 00:12:27,771
Mr. President, why do you think
the public supports you...

244
00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:29,575
...during these impeachment proceedings?

245
00:12:29,682 --> 00:12:31,149
Probably because you're so fat.

246
00:12:33,085 --> 00:12:34,882
Peter, you might want to call
the Welfare Commission.

247
00:12:34,987 --> 00:12:36,887
That check is obviously an oversight.

248
00:12:36,989 --> 00:12:40,516
Not necessarily. Maybe I'm like
their one millionth customer.

249
00:12:40,626 --> 00:12:42,685
What?
You're gonna spend $150,000 a week?

250
00:12:42,795 --> 00:12:44,854
- Yeah.
- On what?

251
00:12:45,431 --> 00:12:49,731
Oh, my God!
Peter, you bought the statue of David?

252
00:12:49,835 --> 00:12:52,326
No. I just rented it.
But they're gonna be ticked.

253
00:12:52,438 --> 00:12:55,066
The penis broke off
while I was loading it into the car.

254
00:12:58,144 --> 00:12:59,941
I shall call you "Eduardo. "

255
00:13:00,246 --> 00:13:01,941
Peter, how can we afford this?

256
00:13:02,047 --> 00:13:04,015
You won't believe it, Mom! Dad's getting...

257
00:13:04,116 --> 00:13:05,208
A big raise!

258
00:13:05,317 --> 00:13:06,978
Peter, that's wonderful!

259
00:13:07,086 --> 00:13:08,075
But, Dad, I thought...

260
00:13:08,187 --> 00:13:11,418
The kind of raise that'll allow me
to give my kids a big allowance...

261
00:13:11,524 --> 00:13:14,049
...just for keeping their big mouths shut.
Come on, guys.

262
00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:16,594
I'll buy us
the most expensive meal we've ever had.

263
00:13:17,696 --> 00:13:20,722
Yeah.
I'd like 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas, please.

264
00:13:20,833 --> 00:13:21,800
I beg your pardon?

265
00:13:21,901 --> 00:13:23,892
6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas.

266
00:13:24,003 --> 00:13:25,800
And a "So-sage" McBiscuit, please.

267
00:13:27,706 --> 00:13:29,503
Peter, what's the big surprise?

268
00:13:29,608 --> 00:13:32,577
You know how I always said
you should be treated like a queen?

269
00:13:32,678 --> 00:13:34,578
I got you your own jester.

270
00:13:35,748 --> 00:13:37,477
Good to be here in New England.

271
00:13:37,583 --> 00:13:39,642
And what's the deal
with "New" England anyway?

272
00:13:39,752 --> 00:13:44,052
It's over 200 years old!
Last time I checked, that's not that new.

273
00:13:48,694 --> 00:13:49,661
This is great.

274
00:13:49,762 --> 00:13:53,391
I can finally afford to give my little girl
the lips she's always dreamed of.

275
00:13:53,499 --> 00:13:55,228
Thank you, Daddy!

276
00:13:56,702 --> 00:13:58,465
I don't know, Peter. Lips are one thing.

277
00:13:58,571 --> 00:14:01,335
But did you have to buy
breast implants for Chris?

278
00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:02,566
It makes him happy.

279
00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:04,404
These are cool.

280
00:14:08,013 --> 00:14:09,503
When did you get a pool?

281
00:14:09,615 --> 00:14:11,014
It's a moat.

282
00:14:11,116 --> 00:14:12,105
I know it's silly...

283
00:14:12,218 --> 00:14:15,654
...but my husband thinks our family
needs extra protection now that...

284
00:14:15,754 --> 00:14:17,119
...we're rich.

285
00:14:17,223 --> 00:14:18,247
Does it work?

286
00:14:18,357 --> 00:14:20,951
It does keep the Black Knight at bay.

287
00:14:25,197 --> 00:14:28,963
Congratulations in all your success.
Here's your welfare check.

288
00:14:29,468 --> 00:14:30,435
What the...

289
00:14:35,274 --> 00:14:36,639
Hi, honey.

290
00:14:38,611 --> 00:14:39,635
What?

291
00:14:39,745 --> 00:14:43,545
I know what I did was wrong.
But I only did it for you and the kids.

292
00:14:43,649 --> 00:14:46,516
Except for the jukebox in the bathroom.
That was for Peter.

293
00:14:46,619 --> 00:14:50,783
Yeah, from the American taxpayers.
I am so mad I can't see straight.

294
00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:52,881
No problem.
We got money to get that fixed...

295
00:14:52,992 --> 00:14:57,395
...with enough left for us to buy our way
out of any trouble our kids might get into.

296
00:14:57,496 --> 00:14:58,622
Just like the Kennedys.

297
00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:01,325
I feel like I don't
even know you anymore, Peter.

298
00:15:01,433 --> 00:15:04,266
The man I married would never think
he could fix a problem...

299
00:15:04,370 --> 00:15:05,894
...just by spending money!

300
00:15:07,172 --> 00:15:08,730
Boy, she's pretty pissed.

301
00:15:08,841 --> 00:15:11,173
Who thought fraud
would be one of her buttons?

302
00:15:11,277 --> 00:15:14,610
Why have a jukebox
in the john if your wife's mad at you?

303
00:15:14,713 --> 00:15:17,477
Peter, you may have to return
that money to the taxpayers.

304
00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:19,778
But I gotta make sure
Lois knows I'm doing it.

305
00:15:19,885 --> 00:15:21,716
I need an event with thousands of people.

306
00:15:21,820 --> 00:15:23,845
Something that everybody cares about.

307
00:15:25,291 --> 00:15:27,225
We might have to leave
Rhode Island for this.

308
00:15:27,793 --> 00:15:31,695
The air is electric here
at Super Bowl XXXllI tonight!

309
00:15:31,797 --> 00:15:34,732
Pat, it's safe to say that all
these fans came out here...

310
00:15:34,833 --> 00:15:36,824
...to watch a game of football!

311
00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:38,927
John, we're in commercial.

312
00:15:39,038 --> 00:15:42,735
Yeah, I know.
I'm just making conversation. Come on.

313
00:15:43,709 --> 00:15:44,869
Football!

314
00:15:47,313 --> 00:15:50,908
Amazing. You can barely drive a car.
Yet you were allowed to fly a blimp?

315
00:15:51,016 --> 00:15:53,678
Yeah, America's great, isn't it?
Except for the South.

316
00:15:53,786 --> 00:15:55,549
Boy, I hope Lois is watching.

317
00:15:55,654 --> 00:15:57,815
Okay, taxpayers, here you go!

318
00:15:59,658 --> 00:16:02,320
Looks like we're getting some rain
here tonight, John.

319
00:16:02,428 --> 00:16:05,886
Yeah. Hey, wait a second!
This is no ordinary rain!

320
00:16:06,198 --> 00:16:08,291
It's some kind of crazy money rain!

321
00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:11,801
I'm being told it's a man and his dog
throwing cash out of a blimp.

322
00:16:11,904 --> 00:16:15,670
Man. I hope this works. Otherwise,
I'm gonna have to start dropping these.

323
00:16:20,579 --> 00:16:23,707
The crowd is storming the field!
This is pandemonium!

324
00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:26,410
Have you ever seen anything like this, Pat?

325
00:16:27,553 --> 00:16:31,614
Just once. The 1975 Cotton Bowl.
This is the old "trying to make amends...

326
00:16:31,724 --> 00:16:35,524
"... for spending $150,000 a week
in misappropriated welfare funds" play.

327
00:16:35,627 --> 00:16:40,360
I don't care what it is! That guy's ruining
a perfectly good game of football!

328
00:16:40,499 --> 00:16:42,763
- Madden to Fox Security.
- Go ahead.

329
00:16:42,868 --> 00:16:44,665
Take them down!
Yes, sir.

330
00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:54,938
How was your shower?

331
00:16:55,047 --> 00:16:57,948
I tell you, all of the rumors
about dropping the soap are true.

332
00:16:58,050 --> 00:16:59,039
Really?

333
00:16:59,151 --> 00:17:01,346
You can't hold onto that thing
to save your life.

334
00:17:01,453 --> 00:17:03,717
It was slipping everywhere.
Guys were laughing.

335
00:17:03,822 --> 00:17:05,983
There's the guy
that couldn't hold the soap.

336
00:17:06,091 --> 00:17:07,718
That was classic.

337
00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:10,726
Boy. I really let Lois down this time.

338
00:17:10,829 --> 00:17:12,126
Do you think she'll wait for me?

339
00:17:12,231 --> 00:17:13,789
If every woman dumped her husband...

340
00:17:13,899 --> 00:17:16,595
...for crashing a blimp,
no one would be married.

341
00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:19,102
Yeah, you're right.
Okay, I got the top bunk.

342
00:17:22,074 --> 00:17:24,599
My collagen is wearing off.

343
00:17:24,710 --> 00:17:27,110
Honey, sagging lips are just nature's way...

344
00:17:27,212 --> 00:17:30,204
...of telling you you shouldn't
cover for your father's lie.

345
00:17:30,315 --> 00:17:33,512
What does it mean when your armpits
cry stinky tears?

346
00:17:33,619 --> 00:17:35,678
It means you're becoming a man.

347
00:17:35,788 --> 00:17:39,519
But hopefully not the kind who stays out
all day and doesn't call...

348
00:17:39,625 --> 00:17:42,150
...like your father
who shall remain nameless.

349
00:17:42,261 --> 00:17:45,094
Hello, Mother.
Hi there, sweetie.

350
00:17:45,197 --> 00:17:47,757
You know, Mother,
life is like a box of chocolates.

351
00:17:47,866 --> 00:17:50,130
You never know what you're going to get.

352
00:17:50,235 --> 00:17:52,897
Your life, however,
is more like a box of active grenades!

353
00:17:54,506 --> 00:17:57,475
Now, I offer one last chance
for deliverance.

354
00:17:57,576 --> 00:18:00,636
Return my mind-control device
or be destroyed.

355
00:18:01,447 --> 00:18:04,211
You just want your toy back.

356
00:18:04,316 --> 00:18:06,011
Okay, here you go, honey.

357
00:18:06,885 --> 00:18:09,080
Yes... Well, victory is mine!

358
00:18:13,225 --> 00:18:14,419
Damn you all!

359
00:18:16,128 --> 00:18:17,254
Hello?

360
00:18:18,063 --> 00:18:19,428
Oh, my God!

361
00:18:25,003 --> 00:18:26,903
Lois, am I glad to see you.

362
00:18:27,005 --> 00:18:28,870
I have nothing to say to you, Peter.

363
00:18:28,974 --> 00:18:31,101
I gave the money back.
Why are you still steamed?

364
00:18:31,210 --> 00:18:34,611
Peter, you lied to me,
you betrayed my trust.

365
00:18:34,713 --> 00:18:37,011
Compared to that,
welfare fraud doesn't even matter.

366
00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:40,085
Really?
Let's hope the judge feels that way.

367
00:18:41,220 --> 00:18:42,915
This court will come to order.

368
00:18:43,722 --> 00:18:46,190
I figured the sooner I cashed the check...

369
00:18:46,291 --> 00:18:49,055
...the sooner they'd catch their mistake.

370
00:18:49,428 --> 00:18:51,328
Why are we making a federal case
out of this?

371
00:18:51,430 --> 00:18:53,955
Don't you think you should
have alerted the government...

372
00:18:54,066 --> 00:18:55,363
...of such a gross overpayment?

373
00:18:55,467 --> 00:18:58,732
I was gonna call them.
But my favorite episode...

374
00:18:58,837 --> 00:19:01,863
...of Different Strokes was on.
The one where Arnold and Dudley...

375
00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:04,306
...get sexually molested
by the bike shop owner?

376
00:19:04,776 --> 00:19:07,609
All right. Now I want you boys
to scream real loud at my ass.

377
00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:10,414
And everybody learns a valuable lesson.

378
00:19:10,516 --> 00:19:12,211
Mr. Griffin, have you learned a lesson?

379
00:19:12,317 --> 00:19:14,842
Yes. Stay the hell away
from that bike shop.

380
00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:20,550
Okay, everybody, I feel really bad
about what I did. I just...

381
00:19:20,659 --> 00:19:22,183
I don't know. I saw the one chance...

382
00:19:22,294 --> 00:19:25,491
...I'd ever have to give my family
the things they deserve.

383
00:19:25,597 --> 00:19:27,827
I guess I screwed it up.
I cheated the government.

384
00:19:27,933 --> 00:19:30,424
And worst of all, I lied to my wife.

385
00:19:30,836 --> 00:19:32,463
And she deserves better.

386
00:19:32,571 --> 00:19:34,004
I'm sorry, honey.

387
00:19:34,106 --> 00:19:37,041
Mr. Griffin, I think your words
have touched us all.

388
00:19:37,142 --> 00:19:39,269
I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison.

389
00:19:39,611 --> 00:19:40,600
No!

390
00:19:40,712 --> 00:19:41,770
- No!
- No!

391
00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:42,778
No!

392
00:19:42,881 --> 00:19:43,848
Yeah!

393
00:19:50,522 --> 00:19:52,717
Excuse me, Your Honor?
Yes?

394
00:19:52,824 --> 00:19:56,157
Look, my husband may be
a bit thoughtless at times.

395
00:19:56,261 --> 00:19:59,753
He may even be downright stupid.

396
00:19:59,865 --> 00:20:02,197
But I know he only accepted that money...

397
00:20:02,301 --> 00:20:05,202
...because he wanted to be
a good husband and father.

398
00:20:05,737 --> 00:20:08,365
But what he needs to remember
is that we love him.

399
00:20:08,473 --> 00:20:11,374
And no matter what,
I'll always stand by him.

400
00:20:11,476 --> 00:20:13,307
I love you too, honey.

401
00:20:13,478 --> 00:20:17,380
That was very moving, Mrs. Griffin.
Okay, you can go to jail with him!

402
00:20:17,482 --> 00:20:18,449
What?

403
00:20:18,550 --> 00:20:22,577
24 months in prison? Unacceptable!
Intolerable as it may be...

404
00:20:22,688 --> 00:20:25,987
...I'm completely dependent upon
those wretched drones for sustenance.

405
00:20:26,091 --> 00:20:29,151
Let us see how the constitution
of American justice fares...

406
00:20:29,261 --> 00:20:31,092
...against the device!

407
00:20:40,839 --> 00:20:42,101
Is that your boy?

408
00:20:42,207 --> 00:20:44,038
What? Yeah. That's Stewie.

409
00:20:44,142 --> 00:20:48,977
Gosh. I can't separate a kid that young
from his father. It's unjudgmenly.

410
00:20:49,081 --> 00:20:51,208
- Hell, you've learned your lesson, right?
- Yeah.

411
00:20:51,316 --> 00:20:54,376
- All right. You're free.
- Wow! Can you give me my job back?

412
00:20:54,486 --> 00:20:55,475
No.

413
00:20:56,121 --> 00:20:57,884
- Yes.
- All right!

414
00:21:02,327 --> 00:21:03,885
That was a crazy one, Dick.

415
00:21:03,996 --> 00:21:07,159
It sure was. In this next blooper
from Joanie Loves Chachi...

416
00:21:07,266 --> 00:21:09,564
...watch what happens when Scott Baio
tries to say:

417
00:21:09,668 --> 00:21:11,761
"She sells seashells
down by the seashore. "

418
00:21:11,870 --> 00:21:13,269
What does your mom do?

419
00:21:13,372 --> 00:21:14,862
She sells seashells down by the...

420
00:21:16,842 --> 00:21:18,366
That is kind of a tongue twister.

421
00:21:18,477 --> 00:21:20,536
It's good to have you home, Peter.

422
00:21:20,646 --> 00:21:22,944
Honey, I knew everything
would turn out okay.

423
00:21:23,048 --> 00:21:24,481
I sure am gonna miss being rich.

424
00:21:24,583 --> 00:21:26,551
Don't worry.
I got a way to get money.

425
00:21:26,652 --> 00:21:28,176
Not another welfare scam?

426
00:21:28,287 --> 00:21:30,448
No. Minority scholarship.

427
00:21:37,596 --> 00:21:39,826
No.
Are you insane?

428
00:21:39,931 --> 00:21:42,695
Okay, I mean sexual harassment suit.

429
00:21:43,869 --> 00:21:45,131
No.
Don't think so.

430
00:21:45,237 --> 00:21:46,465
Absolutely outrageous.

431
00:21:46,571 --> 00:21:48,004
Okay, disability claim.